The Time I Tried to Be a Responsible Adult and Failed Spectacularly

 

One day, I woke up and thought, "Today, I will be an adult." 

I had no concrete plan for how to do this, but I figured it involved eating something other than cereal and remembering to do responsible things like checking my mail (which I hadn't done in six weeks, because mail is just paper yelling at you).  

Step 1: Eating Like a Grown-Up  

I decided to cook. Like, actual cooking. Not just microwaving something until it surrendered to heat.  

I picked a recipe online. It seemed easy—"One-Pan Chicken."  

One pan! I can handle one pan!  

Twenty minutes later, my kitchen looked like a crime scene. Oil was splattered on the walls. The chicken had turned into an unrecognizable blackened object. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I ate a granola bar over the sink.  

Step 2: Checking the Mail  

I finally walked to my mailbox, feeling responsible and proud. I opened it.  

A terrifying wall of envelopes stared back at me.  

Bills. Expired coupons. A jury duty summons from two months ago. A letter from my past self that said, *"Hey idiot, check your mail!"*  

I panicked and closed the mailbox. Maybe if I didn’t look at it, the responsibility would disappear. (It didn’t.)  

Step 3: Doing Laundry Like a Champ  

My laundry basket had evolved into an ecosystem. I threw everything into the washing machine and confidently pressed buttons. I didn’t check labels because *I live on the edge.*  

Thirty minutes later, everything was pink.  

I don’t own pink clothes.  

I do now.  

The Conclusion :

I tried. I failed. But I learned something important:  
- Adulting is a scam.  
- Granola bars are a perfectly valid meal.  
- If you ignore your problems long enough, they don’t disappear… they multiply.  

But hey, there’s always tomorrow!  

Next!...